More SNL Greatness

Queer Ride For The Straight Guy

Oh what have I done to deserve this? Life post goat is hard. I've been in semi nonconstant contact with the insurance company of the trucker and finally got a rental from Enterprise.

Surprisingly their motto "We'll pick you up!" does not translate to we'll deliver you a car when you are stranded. They also played a cruel trick of changing location on me. The last time I rented from Enterprise they were at Karl Klement Ford. Since then they have relocated to James Wood GMC.

Nobody sent me the memo.

After an awkward exchange with the folks at Karl Klement's body shop I found the Enterprise office at James Wood GMC. I had my choice of (a) Chevy Aveo or (b) ChryslerPT Cruiser. It took me about .05 milliseconds to pick door number two and the PT Cruiser.

Let's just say it's not as bad as an Aveo and it gets decent gas milage. That's about where the praise ends from me. This car screams ghey. It's a great car for a chick or a young metrosexual on the prowl, but there's nothing remotely masculine or appealing about the PT Cruiser to me.

The dashboard and controls are laid out in a totally confusing manner with everything located on the turnsignal and wiper levers. The faux retro gearshift looks as cheap as it is. I'm afraid to touch most of the controls for fear of snaping them off. The onboard computer seems to have more control over the car than I do, constantly overriding switches for the lights, door locks and radio.

It's basicly a Dodge Neon running gear with a PT Cruiser body. It beats walking or trying to get my 6'2" body in and out of a subcompact. But, not by much. There is an ample amount of driver legroom. But getting my fat ass in and out of the low driver's seat is a pain.

We are buried at work and I'm working 6 days this week. Monday looks like the only day I have to go shopping for a new ride. I still need to hear from the insurance adjuster to know what I have to put down so, I can't finalize anything yet. Car dealers just love that.

To review... PT Cruiser, ghey.
Me, not.

It's Dead, Jim!

Well the day started off bad with me going into work 5 hours earlier than I was scheduled. I always work 9 - 5 on Wednesday. Today they swapped me to the 2 - 10 shift. It went downhill from there.

I headed back to work at 1:30pm driving my "Old Goat", as I lovingly call my 2001 Dodge pickup. I was grooving to some tunes on the radio, minding my own business. I was driving well below the speed limit of 65 because I just crossed a set of train tracks and because the Goat sucks gas like there's no tomorrow when I see an 18 wheeler suddenly decide to turn in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!

It's odd when you're in an accident. Everything goes into slow motion, but it feels like real time. I was travelling about 50mph because I just crossed those rough train tracks on Hwy 101 in Chico. The first thought that ran thru my head was "what does that idiot think he's doing?". Before I could process that thought a new more urgent one arose, "I'm going to hit him!". I slammed on the brakes and heard an eerie howl as my big meaty Kelly/Springfields grabbed the pavement hard, desperately clawing at the asphault trying to bring me to a stop.

20 feet away...

I think I can stop in time. Those new brake pads I put on sure are doing a great job. Glad I decided to install them last month! Good thing I'm riding on those new Kelly's instead of the POS Goodyear's I had, too.

15 feet away...

Is there an option here? I can't go right because the truck is moving to my right. If I swerve that way I go off into the gravel and will hit the trailer with the driver's door. Let's not do that. I look left and all I see is the front of another Peterbilt. Let's not do that either.

10 feet away...

I'm slowing fast but but not nearly fast enough, I'm not going to stop in time... *&%#!!!! This is just what I needed. I look as the trailer continues to move to my right and the rear tandem of death rolls toward me.

C'mon Baby, DIG!!!

5 feet away...

The tandem looks like it will line up in front of me. Good! I don't feel like being crushed underneath a loaded rocktruck today, but this is still going to hurt. I get a death grip on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 then brace for collision.

3, 2, 1..... WHAM!!!!!

Just as suddenly as time slowed down, it sprang back to real time. The rocktruck keeps on going into the vacant lot and I'm stopped cold at the point of impact. I look in my mirror and see traffic screeching to a halt behind me. The front end is cratered but my engine is still running so I try to pull off the road. No way, Jose. My truck will move forward, but I can't turn the steering wheel. I reach down and turn off the key.

The Goat is Dead, Long Live The Goat!

Yep, my faithful companion has reached the end of the odometer. It now sits ungloriously in the storage lot at Chico Auto Parts awaiting an insurance adjuster. Luckily, I have my Suzuki Carry for emergency transportation. But it's definitely only for an emergency. I called the trucking company's insurance agent and left a message that I need a rental but it was after 5 before I had the opportunity. I'll call back in the morning.

See? This is what happens when you go messing with my schedule. If I had gone to work at my normal time I wouldn't have been on the road at 2pm and thus wouldn't have had a truck pull out in front of me, Jupiter wouldn't have aligned with Mars and I'd still have my Old Goat.

Oh, did I forget to mention the reason the truck pulled out in front of me so suddenly? A guy in a Key Energy pickup flipped him The Bird and he was going to chase him down and report him. So there you have it. I'm an innocent victim of road rage.

BTW, if any of you guys sell new pickups feel free to help a poorboy out. I'm suddenly in the market for a new 4door Ford or Dodge.

Liquid Crack

This stuff is a kick in the ass. I bought a dozen bottles last week and as previously mentioned I popped one this morning. Cowabunga! It doesn't make you jittery like RedBull, only has about as much caffine as a cup of coffee. But, it is packed with B vitamins(8000%) and gives you tons of energy.

Where was this stuff when I was trucking cross country?

Update: Bananaboy & Monkeyboy

There has been an outbreak of common sense at Lewisville ISD. Charges against Sean Kight, 18, and Curtis Patton, 17, have been dropped. The two would be terrorists had run across the football field during Homecoming at Flower Mound and wound up spending 16 hours in jail.

Monday the school was defending it's treatment of the boys for disrupting a learning environment. Today they are crawfishing hard saying it was all a misunderstanding and that the boys should never have been jailed.

The boys are not off the hook yet. They still face possible 10 day suspensions in alternative school. If I were LISD I think I'd make sure they got off with time served.

Haven't Done This In A While

I have quite possibly one of the world's oddest work schedules. Some days, some nights. But it's always consistant. Same schedule every week. Last week my boss told me there would be a change because I have to cover for someone. We even discussed some of the changes to my deliveries. No problem.

I look at the schedule and it has me working a mid-day shift on Thursday. I could have sworn it was the only change. (I was wrong) I show up bright eyed and bushy tailed for work this morning (because I slammed a 5 Hour Energy for breakfast) and promptly discover that I am working 2 - 10 today.

D'OH!

I think the last time I did something like this was about 15 years ago when I worked construction. I woke up in a panic that I had seriously overslept and was late for work. I drove like a madman to get to the jobsite only to discover it was Sunday morning.

Banana Chases Monkey

and winds up in jail? What the hell?



It was a funny prank for the Homecoming game. What's screwed up is the school has absolutely no sense of humor.

http://www.nbc5i.com/education/17535120/detail.html

When I watched the story on the news a Lewisville ISD spokesperson said the kids were disrupting a learning environment and someone could have been injured. Learning environment... at a football game?

This zero tolerance crap has got to go.

BREAKING NEWS!

WOW, I finally get to scoop The Messenger, The Index AND Liberally Lean! (I'm claiming the Libreally Lean scoop because I was the one that sent the info to Barry.)

Major fire at Diamond Supermarket in Bridgeport. It reportedly started in the Motor Room (where refridgeration compressors are) and spread all along the back wall of the store.

When I got off work I drove by and it was hard to tell how extensive the damage was, but it was bad. There were several different fire departments that responded. I predict the store will be closed for at least 2 weeks, probably much longer than that.

In the meantime, thank you for shopping at your Hometown IGA!!!

Sidebar: With Brookshires coming to town this makes an interesting situation. Will Diamond cut their losses and close the store or will they pony up the bucks and build a brand new store? It was pretty much a concensus that Brookshires will kill one of the present grocery stores in Bridgeport. IGA was in a better position to survive (they were already stomping Diamond in sales). But if Diamond builds a shiny new store that would put IGA at a huge disadvantage with a 20 year old building that looks 20 years old.

Stay tuned sportsfans!

They Want Our Water, Mandrake!

JDR:
Have you heard of a thing called fracturization, Mandrake?
M:
Ah, yes I have heard of that. Yes Jack. Yes.
JDR:
Well, you know what it is?
M:
No. No. I don't know.
JDR:
Do you realize that fracturization is a most monsterously conceived and dangerous communist plot that we've ever had to face? We must form a Water Conservation District to stop them from using all our water for fracturization!

That's basicly what played out over the last couple of years. Using the fear card that we would lose all our precious groundwater for industrial use, Austin forced us to form the Upper Trinity Groundwater Conservation District. This week the boardmembers met and voted to set a user fee of 22 cents per thousand gallons for water suppliers, municipalities, commercial operators.

In otherwords, if your town draws water from a well your water bill just went up 22 cents per thousand gallons. Thank goodness we are now safe from fracturization using all our groundwater. (We accept Visa, MasterCard and Cash!)

NTR

Not much going on, but man am I digging this cooler weather. Highs in the 80's are just fine with me.

More Cowbell

I've wanted one of these badboys since I first saw it online. Unfortunately, it's very hard to find in stock because they sell out so fast. "The Judge" by Taurus is one sweet handgun. It fires .45 Colt bullets or .410 shotgun shells (including 3in Magnum) and flares. That gives you over 20 different options on ammunition that this weapon can safely fire.

WOW!

This handgun is like a ride at SixFlags. It will get your adrenaline pumping and put a smile on your face! It is particularly impressive firing shotshells. The kick is not that bad, less than a .45acp, but the flames and smoke remind you of an Old West black powder gun. Dirty Harry ain't got nothin' on The Judge!

The Judge gives you a lot of options. It can deliver deadly wall piercing punch with .45 Colt, .410 Magnum slugs, and buckshot. Or you can dial down the lethality and use .410 birdshot if you just want to kill snakes or deliver a non-lethal punch to an intruder at a distance. Why you would ever in your right mind want to do that I don't know, but it's an option.

I purchased mine at Cabellas in Ft. Worth and got the polished stainless model with a holster and carrying case for $549. Academy has the blued model (gun only) on sale for $449. I highly recommend buying one while they are at this price and availability if you are in need of a quality, versatile weapon.

Sarah vs Hillary

I'm a Baaaaad Blogger

Yeah, I haven't posted anything in a week, but it was one of those weeks where nothing worthwhile happened. Yeah, I tackled a shoplifter (Don't mess with the Old Man!), won my court case on driving my Suzuki on a public roadway and test drove a new Dodge truck but nothing earthshattering happened to speak of.

But, if earthshattering is a benchmark then I suppose I should post. Hurricane Ike is pummeling the Texas coastline. The eye passed over Galveston around midnight and passed just east of downtown Houston around 5am. The storm looks to head into Huntsville then College Station before heading northeast towards Tyler.

We will probably see some heavy thunderstorms, but nothing like you folks east of Dallas will.

The shear size of Ike is mindboggling. It came into Galveston looking more like a weak Cat-1 then quickly bounced up to a high Cat-2 near the eyewall. Winds went from 50-60mph with gusts to 80 to 80-90 with gusts to 110. 4.5 million people are without electricity. 7000 workers are heading to Houston to restore power.

DirecTv broadcast KHOU live on channel 361 during the storm. It was morbidly fascinating watching it unfold before me. One classic moment when the old school Dr. Neal Franklin corrected the primetime lead forcaster on the "collapse" of the eyewall. Kinda lioke watching Harold Taft backhand Pete Delkis

Inside John McCain's Brain

Howard Dean got in a pretty good shot at John McCain during a satellite interview on wednesday night's Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I'm surprised nobody has jumped on it. A Google search only turned up this from RawStory.com . The video is priceless.

Speaking of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show, it seems to be ready to take on the bigtime news shows.

Is this the age of infotainment?

Macho, Macho Man!

Not many things make you feel more manly than working on your truck. I'm sure it's a throwback to primitive man somehow, a la Tim Taylor. I just like getting my fingers dirty and knowing exactly what the condition of my vehicle is.

I thought I heard a slight grinding of my brakes the other day and bought a new set of front brake pads. You may have noticed the mud covered old goat last week. That's when I originally planned to do this. After moving the sheet metal I bought to fix the house from one side of the shop to the other, I could drive inside and do the job on a nice clean slab and use air tools.

This is known as "shittin' in tall cotton" for a poor white boy.

I grew up working in the dirt, crawling under cars in the driveway or out in the pasture. I twisted wrenches by hand, busting knuckles the old fashioned way getting dirt, rocks and ants ground into me. I never had the luxury of air tools, floor jacks, creepers and a nice clean concrete slab. Over the last few years I have done a few things to change all that. Altho it's unfinished, I now have a shop and a minimal amount of the proper tools it takes to get the jobs done professionally.

But I digress...

I've never changed brakes on a Dodge, but after a few minutes of reverse engineering I managed to figure out how to remove the pads from the caliper and install the new ones. Overall, it was easiest design I've worked on. Chevy, Ford, ect... You don't even need a C-clamp to compress the calipers. The air tools made tedious, long threaded bolts in tight spaces no problem at all.

After finishing the brakes I did a quick PM and changed the oil. I decided to upgrade to Valvoline MaxLife 5W30 synthetic blend. I also installed a Fram High Milage filter with a time release additive. I can see the ladies eyes glazing over, but the guys understand me... Anyway, The Old Goat has almost 150,000 and it was about time to start taking some proactive measures to get another 150,000 out of her. I've never run synthetic oil before but I've heard it will leak like a seive on older engines. I guess we'll see.

OK, now something for the ladies. Girls, can we talk? Are you tired of sweeping up all that dirt, leaves, twigs, branches, toys, pets, small children, ect, day after day after day? Introducing... The Air Gun! With a powerful 120 psi it will huff and puff and blow your house clean. No muss, no fuss! Clean a 60 x 30 area in under 30 seconds! Get yours now!(Optional air compressor sold seperately) Seriously, if you have a garage, patio, sidewalk or anything else you sweep regularly, a small air compressor and an air gun will do magic. Maybe I should send this to Heloise.

So here I sit, feet proped up, cold beer in hand looking at a job well done.

It don't get much better than this.

Goodbye White Lightnin'

There are 6 P-38 Lightnings that are still airworthy. One of them is about to leave the US. The P-38 Flying Bull (formerly known as White Lightnin') has undergone a complete restoration in a tiny hanger at Ezell Aviation in Breckenridge, Texas. They did a fabulous job!

The Flying Bull will take center stage in a solid glass hanger at the new Red Bull Flying Museum in Salzburg, Austria. It's sad to see this rare warbird leave the US, but it will get a new life with lots of flight time ahead.

Full story in The Startlegram including a video link.

Comic Strip: Ralphie May

April August Showers

We had a little shower yesterday afternoon.

Tip of the hat to Matt and Russell for pulling me out.

Movie of the Week: Almost Famous

This week we look at Cameron Crowe's semi-autobigraphical rock n' roll masterpiece, Almost Famous.

From the man that brought you Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Jerry Maguire comes this wonderful film about a teenager that stumbles into a job for Rolling Stone magazine. His first assignment, a think-piece about a mid-level band grappling with their limitations in the face of the harsh glare of success... Stillwater.

Like Fast Times, Almost Famous is semi-autobiographical. Crowe actually was a reporter for Rolling Stone at age 16 and travelled with The Allman Brothers on tour. This is a behind the scenes look at sex, drugs and rock n' roll in the early 70's. The lives of rockstars and the crew and groupies that are along for the ride.

The cast is outstanding. Patrick Fugit, Billy Crudup, Kate Hudson, Frances McDormand, Jason Lee, Anna Paquin, Noah Taylor, Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Fairuza Balk, Zooey Deschanel, Jimmy Fallon and Rainn Wilson.

That's an impressive ensemble.

Even more impressive, the soundtrack. Crowe's wife Nancy Wilson, who knows a thing or two about rock n' roll herself, is Musical Director. Nancy, Cameron and Peter Frampton wrote all of Stillwater's songs and they are performed brilliantly by the cast. When Stillwater is not on stage songs by Todd Rundgren, Simon and Garfunkle, Elton John, Rod Stewart, Yes, David Bowie, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell, Clarence Carter, Steely Dan, Deep Purple, Thunderclap Newton, Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Allman Brothers fill the scenes with over 50 songs that put you in touch with the characters.

This is a funny, bittersweet film that leaves you with a smile and a warm glow yearning for more.

Altho a flop at the boxoffice, Almost Famous was a huge critical success earning 4 Oscar Nominations (including the uncomfortable dual nominations for Best Supporting Actress for Kate Hudson and Frances McDormond) and Cameron Crowe won the Oscar for Best Screenplay. It earned another 44 wins including Golden Globe for Best Picture and Grammy for Best Soundtrack & 76 nominations.

A True Texas Tale

You're looking at a 1967 Peterbilt 351. In the summer of 1977 I drove one very similar to this solo for 6 weeks in Houston.

My Dad was leased to a trucking company that had a yard in one of the sleazier parts of Houston, 59 & 610. One of my Dad's buddies ran the place. The yard was a mess with a portable building for an office. There was an old condemed building, piles of scrap and hundreds of old tires littering the place.

My summer job was to clean up the yard. I had my faithful old '68 Ford F100 and a cattle trailer. I was to haul off all the old tires and junk and get paid by the hour. Manual labor in the Houston sun. Ah, fun times...

I drove all night the sunday after school was out to get there. I started work at 7am and began stacking the old truck tires onto the trailer. I did that for about 15 minutes when the yard boss (my Dad's friend) asked if I could hook up a truck to a trailer. Pffft, nothing to it!

That was the last time I touched a junk tire that summer.

I quickly became the local delivery driver for them. I took trailers into and out of the Port of Houston, refineries, chemical plants and steel factories all across the metro area. I did all this on my own with no supervision. I was 15 with a hardship "daylight only" drivers license. I wasn't legal by any stretch of the imagination.

It was the greatest summer of my life. I worked my tail off driving a worn out old Pete with a 318 Detroit and a 13 speed. No a/c, no power steering, no sleeper, no stereo (it did have an AM). The old girl was strictly business. I'd work 12 hours a day during the week and all night on Saturday. I slept in the office with a gun as nightwatchman to the lullaby of sirens and gunshots.

Every other night I got to rent a motel room. The place I stayed at had a killer bar that never once carded me. The Safari Room!

It was a miracle I didn't kill someone. I was a big kid for my age, so the physical part was no problem. It was the skill level I lacked in. Would you want YOUR 15 year old driving an 18 wheeler solo on Houston freeways? The driving tips I got from other drivers were along the lines of "turn your signal on, count to 4 and change lanes without looking in the mirror... they'll get out of the way". They did...

I was having a blast! Here I was doing a man's job making a man's wage. I was treated as an equal at the yard and at the docks. If you tried something like that today Homeland Security would go ballistic. There would be helicopters and camera crews everywhere.

Everything was going smooth as silk until the company owner caught wind of what was going on and promptly canned me. But, I had already experienced one of the greatest adventures a young man could dream of. Unfortunately, when I got home none of my friends would believe me.

Who in their right mind would turn a kid loose in an 18 wheeler?

I swear to you on a stack of bibles, every word is the truth.