More SNL Greatness

Queer Ride For The Straight Guy

Oh what have I done to deserve this? Life post goat is hard. I've been in semi nonconstant contact with the insurance company of the trucker and finally got a rental from Enterprise.

Surprisingly their motto "We'll pick you up!" does not translate to we'll deliver you a car when you are stranded. They also played a cruel trick of changing location on me. The last time I rented from Enterprise they were at Karl Klement Ford. Since then they have relocated to James Wood GMC.

Nobody sent me the memo.

After an awkward exchange with the folks at Karl Klement's body shop I found the Enterprise office at James Wood GMC. I had my choice of (a) Chevy Aveo or (b) ChryslerPT Cruiser. It took me about .05 milliseconds to pick door number two and the PT Cruiser.

Let's just say it's not as bad as an Aveo and it gets decent gas milage. That's about where the praise ends from me. This car screams ghey. It's a great car for a chick or a young metrosexual on the prowl, but there's nothing remotely masculine or appealing about the PT Cruiser to me.

The dashboard and controls are laid out in a totally confusing manner with everything located on the turnsignal and wiper levers. The faux retro gearshift looks as cheap as it is. I'm afraid to touch most of the controls for fear of snaping them off. The onboard computer seems to have more control over the car than I do, constantly overriding switches for the lights, door locks and radio.

It's basicly a Dodge Neon running gear with a PT Cruiser body. It beats walking or trying to get my 6'2" body in and out of a subcompact. But, not by much. There is an ample amount of driver legroom. But getting my fat ass in and out of the low driver's seat is a pain.

We are buried at work and I'm working 6 days this week. Monday looks like the only day I have to go shopping for a new ride. I still need to hear from the insurance adjuster to know what I have to put down so, I can't finalize anything yet. Car dealers just love that.

To review... PT Cruiser, ghey.
Me, not.

It's Dead, Jim!

Well the day started off bad with me going into work 5 hours earlier than I was scheduled. I always work 9 - 5 on Wednesday. Today they swapped me to the 2 - 10 shift. It went downhill from there.

I headed back to work at 1:30pm driving my "Old Goat", as I lovingly call my 2001 Dodge pickup. I was grooving to some tunes on the radio, minding my own business. I was driving well below the speed limit of 65 because I just crossed a set of train tracks and because the Goat sucks gas like there's no tomorrow when I see an 18 wheeler suddenly decide to turn in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!

It's odd when you're in an accident. Everything goes into slow motion, but it feels like real time. I was travelling about 50mph because I just crossed those rough train tracks on Hwy 101 in Chico. The first thought that ran thru my head was "what does that idiot think he's doing?". Before I could process that thought a new more urgent one arose, "I'm going to hit him!". I slammed on the brakes and heard an eerie howl as my big meaty Kelly/Springfields grabbed the pavement hard, desperately clawing at the asphault trying to bring me to a stop.

20 feet away...

I think I can stop in time. Those new brake pads I put on sure are doing a great job. Glad I decided to install them last month! Good thing I'm riding on those new Kelly's instead of the POS Goodyear's I had, too.

15 feet away...

Is there an option here? I can't go right because the truck is moving to my right. If I swerve that way I go off into the gravel and will hit the trailer with the driver's door. Let's not do that. I look left and all I see is the front of another Peterbilt. Let's not do that either.

10 feet away...

I'm slowing fast but but not nearly fast enough, I'm not going to stop in time... *&%#!!!! This is just what I needed. I look as the trailer continues to move to my right and the rear tandem of death rolls toward me.

C'mon Baby, DIG!!!

5 feet away...

The tandem looks like it will line up in front of me. Good! I don't feel like being crushed underneath a loaded rocktruck today, but this is still going to hurt. I get a death grip on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 then brace for collision.

3, 2, 1..... WHAM!!!!!

Just as suddenly as time slowed down, it sprang back to real time. The rocktruck keeps on going into the vacant lot and I'm stopped cold at the point of impact. I look in my mirror and see traffic screeching to a halt behind me. The front end is cratered but my engine is still running so I try to pull off the road. No way, Jose. My truck will move forward, but I can't turn the steering wheel. I reach down and turn off the key.

The Goat is Dead, Long Live The Goat!

Yep, my faithful companion has reached the end of the odometer. It now sits ungloriously in the storage lot at Chico Auto Parts awaiting an insurance adjuster. Luckily, I have my Suzuki Carry for emergency transportation. But it's definitely only for an emergency. I called the trucking company's insurance agent and left a message that I need a rental but it was after 5 before I had the opportunity. I'll call back in the morning.

See? This is what happens when you go messing with my schedule. If I had gone to work at my normal time I wouldn't have been on the road at 2pm and thus wouldn't have had a truck pull out in front of me, Jupiter wouldn't have aligned with Mars and I'd still have my Old Goat.

Oh, did I forget to mention the reason the truck pulled out in front of me so suddenly? A guy in a Key Energy pickup flipped him The Bird and he was going to chase him down and report him. So there you have it. I'm an innocent victim of road rage.

BTW, if any of you guys sell new pickups feel free to help a poorboy out. I'm suddenly in the market for a new 4door Ford or Dodge.

Liquid Crack

This stuff is a kick in the ass. I bought a dozen bottles last week and as previously mentioned I popped one this morning. Cowabunga! It doesn't make you jittery like RedBull, only has about as much caffine as a cup of coffee. But, it is packed with B vitamins(8000%) and gives you tons of energy.

Where was this stuff when I was trucking cross country?

Update: Bananaboy & Monkeyboy

There has been an outbreak of common sense at Lewisville ISD. Charges against Sean Kight, 18, and Curtis Patton, 17, have been dropped. The two would be terrorists had run across the football field during Homecoming at Flower Mound and wound up spending 16 hours in jail.

Monday the school was defending it's treatment of the boys for disrupting a learning environment. Today they are crawfishing hard saying it was all a misunderstanding and that the boys should never have been jailed.

The boys are not off the hook yet. They still face possible 10 day suspensions in alternative school. If I were LISD I think I'd make sure they got off with time served.

Haven't Done This In A While

I have quite possibly one of the world's oddest work schedules. Some days, some nights. But it's always consistant. Same schedule every week. Last week my boss told me there would be a change because I have to cover for someone. We even discussed some of the changes to my deliveries. No problem.

I look at the schedule and it has me working a mid-day shift on Thursday. I could have sworn it was the only change. (I was wrong) I show up bright eyed and bushy tailed for work this morning (because I slammed a 5 Hour Energy for breakfast) and promptly discover that I am working 2 - 10 today.

D'OH!

I think the last time I did something like this was about 15 years ago when I worked construction. I woke up in a panic that I had seriously overslept and was late for work. I drove like a madman to get to the jobsite only to discover it was Sunday morning.

Banana Chases Monkey

and winds up in jail? What the hell?



It was a funny prank for the Homecoming game. What's screwed up is the school has absolutely no sense of humor.

http://www.nbc5i.com/education/17535120/detail.html

When I watched the story on the news a Lewisville ISD spokesperson said the kids were disrupting a learning environment and someone could have been injured. Learning environment... at a football game?

This zero tolerance crap has got to go.

BREAKING NEWS!

WOW, I finally get to scoop The Messenger, The Index AND Liberally Lean! (I'm claiming the Libreally Lean scoop because I was the one that sent the info to Barry.)

Major fire at Diamond Supermarket in Bridgeport. It reportedly started in the Motor Room (where refridgeration compressors are) and spread all along the back wall of the store.

When I got off work I drove by and it was hard to tell how extensive the damage was, but it was bad. There were several different fire departments that responded. I predict the store will be closed for at least 2 weeks, probably much longer than that.

In the meantime, thank you for shopping at your Hometown IGA!!!

Sidebar: With Brookshires coming to town this makes an interesting situation. Will Diamond cut their losses and close the store or will they pony up the bucks and build a brand new store? It was pretty much a concensus that Brookshires will kill one of the present grocery stores in Bridgeport. IGA was in a better position to survive (they were already stomping Diamond in sales). But if Diamond builds a shiny new store that would put IGA at a huge disadvantage with a 20 year old building that looks 20 years old.

Stay tuned sportsfans!

They Want Our Water, Mandrake!

JDR:
Have you heard of a thing called fracturization, Mandrake?
M:
Ah, yes I have heard of that. Yes Jack. Yes.
JDR:
Well, you know what it is?
M:
No. No. I don't know.
JDR:
Do you realize that fracturization is a most monsterously conceived and dangerous communist plot that we've ever had to face? We must form a Water Conservation District to stop them from using all our water for fracturization!

That's basicly what played out over the last couple of years. Using the fear card that we would lose all our precious groundwater for industrial use, Austin forced us to form the Upper Trinity Groundwater Conservation District. This week the boardmembers met and voted to set a user fee of 22 cents per thousand gallons for water suppliers, municipalities, commercial operators.

In otherwords, if your town draws water from a well your water bill just went up 22 cents per thousand gallons. Thank goodness we are now safe from fracturization using all our groundwater. (We accept Visa, MasterCard and Cash!)

NTR

Not much going on, but man am I digging this cooler weather. Highs in the 80's are just fine with me.

More Cowbell

I've wanted one of these badboys since I first saw it online. Unfortunately, it's very hard to find in stock because they sell out so fast. "The Judge" by Taurus is one sweet handgun. It fires .45 Colt bullets or .410 shotgun shells (including 3in Magnum) and flares. That gives you over 20 different options on ammunition that this weapon can safely fire.

WOW!

This handgun is like a ride at SixFlags. It will get your adrenaline pumping and put a smile on your face! It is particularly impressive firing shotshells. The kick is not that bad, less than a .45acp, but the flames and smoke remind you of an Old West black powder gun. Dirty Harry ain't got nothin' on The Judge!

The Judge gives you a lot of options. It can deliver deadly wall piercing punch with .45 Colt, .410 Magnum slugs, and buckshot. Or you can dial down the lethality and use .410 birdshot if you just want to kill snakes or deliver a non-lethal punch to an intruder at a distance. Why you would ever in your right mind want to do that I don't know, but it's an option.

I purchased mine at Cabellas in Ft. Worth and got the polished stainless model with a holster and carrying case for $549. Academy has the blued model (gun only) on sale for $449. I highly recommend buying one while they are at this price and availability if you are in need of a quality, versatile weapon.

Sarah vs Hillary

I'm a Baaaaad Blogger

Yeah, I haven't posted anything in a week, but it was one of those weeks where nothing worthwhile happened. Yeah, I tackled a shoplifter (Don't mess with the Old Man!), won my court case on driving my Suzuki on a public roadway and test drove a new Dodge truck but nothing earthshattering happened to speak of.

But, if earthshattering is a benchmark then I suppose I should post. Hurricane Ike is pummeling the Texas coastline. The eye passed over Galveston around midnight and passed just east of downtown Houston around 5am. The storm looks to head into Huntsville then College Station before heading northeast towards Tyler.

We will probably see some heavy thunderstorms, but nothing like you folks east of Dallas will.

The shear size of Ike is mindboggling. It came into Galveston looking more like a weak Cat-1 then quickly bounced up to a high Cat-2 near the eyewall. Winds went from 50-60mph with gusts to 80 to 80-90 with gusts to 110. 4.5 million people are without electricity. 7000 workers are heading to Houston to restore power.

DirecTv broadcast KHOU live on channel 361 during the storm. It was morbidly fascinating watching it unfold before me. One classic moment when the old school Dr. Neal Franklin corrected the primetime lead forcaster on the "collapse" of the eyewall. Kinda lioke watching Harold Taft backhand Pete Delkis