How NOT To Extend Your Lifespan or Tales From The Farmside

I drove home from work a few nights ago and because it was so freaking cold I did the whole open/close the gate thing as quick as I could and my best NASCAR short track qualifying impersonation up the driveway. It was pitch dark when I got to the house and temporarily I can't use the circle drive so I have to back into my parking spot.

I was focused on getting my butt inside before it froze off because the wind was howling. I backed in and parked my 4 door Dodge Ram then hopped out and opened the back door to unload some groceries. This is where it

all

went

horribly  

wrong...

As I gathered my few sacks of chow out of the back seat,  I felt a sudden powerful punch to my kidneys. The blow caught me completely off guard and shoved me belly down into the seat. I thought this might be the final showdown. But with who was attacking me way out in the middle of The South 40? Me and Brick Top are square!

I went into full survival mode and used whatever I had available as a weapon.

I rebounded back with a rebel yell, right elbow and left haymaker complete with a sack full of canned goods as a chaser, but connected with nothing, Then as I spun around looking in the dim porch light I finally got a glimpse at my attacker, a hungry black angus heifer that had been hiding from the cold wind behind the house and snuck up behind me thinking I was going to feed her.

Her name is now RibEye and she's going to taste extra sweet next 4th of July.