Merry Christmas Y'all!

The Ballad of Johnny Manziel

Fake soldiers and Rumlin's coming.
I'm finally on my own.
This winter I hear the whooping,
I'm dead in Ohio.

h/t: Ramjet FDO, Preferred Player

If you can't beat 'em, at least ride their coattails

Conference with Twin Champions Destroyed

h/t Cascader

Cats & The Internet

Classic Christmas

Talk about a great idea! I caught their Thanksgiving Day episode marathon and it was awesome. They are running a Christmas episode marathon today, too. So far today I watched Christmas at the Shady Rest on Petticoat Junction, Christmas in Mayberry on Andy Griffith and Christmas in Korea on M*A*S*H.

Now they will be running a different one every night at 9. That's 21.2 for you locals.

Umm... Santa?

Channeling my inner Peter Griffin

So my washer and dryer are in the hall by my back door. For some reason I left the dryer door (which opens vertically) open after unloading it. So when I run to get my phone out of the car last night and skipped turning on the Laundry Room light because it's only like 3 steps and I have the path memorized, plus the motion light was going to kick on as soon as I opened the door to the garage. I got this shit covered... when this happened.

Shin bone meet dryer door.

Is this rocket science? Because I don't think it's rocket science.

I went to the local VA clinic today for blood work. They've installed a new touchscreen check-in kiosk that everyone has to use to check in. As I stood there watching everyone hacking and coughing (politely covering their mouth) then using the streaked up touchscreen, it dawns on me this might not be the most sanitary surface on the planet. At least Brookshire's puts hand wipes next to the shopping carts and they're assuming most of their customers aren't sick.

When I'm called in the nurse is chatting with me and I bring up the idea of putting hand sanitizer next to the kiosk. She tells me there is a hand cleaning station next to the front door. The check in kiosk is not by the front door, it's on the opposite end of the room. People are not going to run across the room to clean their hands after touching it, especially old people that don't get around well (there's tons of old people at the VA). I mention this to her.

Nurse: There is a hand cleaning station by the front door.

Me: But there should be one next to the touchscreen.

Her: It's by the front door. (Blank stare.)

I shut up before I piss her off any more as she's about to go poking around my veins with a needle and I'm really not into that even when I haven't pissed off the person with the needle. On my way out I stop to use the hand sanitizer by the front door (way too late because if there was anything on the screen I've got it good by now) and it won't work because the battery is dead.

This is definitely a government operation.

Reinventing the $5 Bill

Sorry Burger King. Your ad campaign has been trumped. 

That's what you get for going Canadian.

Pay your taxes, hosers!

Dear Senator Ted Cruz

 The Oatmeal has a message for you about your tweets on Net Neutrality:

Funny and spot on!

The South 40 Crossfit Workout

The little utilized and highly underrated reverse rabbit hop and slide technique.

That's a big Negative there Ghostrider

No, nope, pass, ain't happening.

Andy & Barney were lawmen. This guy is not.

Asked if he would have handled the matter the same way again, Deputy Glans said he would, but not if he knew it was being filmed. He acknowledged that he did not know the incident was being videotaped.

Just another bully with a badge. Sgt. Shawn R. Glans, 48, who has been a police officer for 27 years, was suspended without pay pending an internal investigation. Glans is also responsible for a 1999 head-on collision driving close to three times the posted speed limit around a sharp curve when he lost control of his vehicle. Glans crossed into the oncoming lane and smashed head-on into Douglas McEachron's car.

McEachron suffered critical brain injuries and was paralyzed. A federal jury found Glans was negligent in the crash. McEachron received a $6M settlement.

Pass the saltines, please!

It's that time again boys and girls. Fall has fell. We've had a Norther and it hit freezing. OK, it was a few days ago and I'm way behind. But I make up for my tardiness with quality.

Start with premium (not too) lean chili meat from Mas Meats. 

For those unaware, Mas Meats is THE ONLY place to buy meat in Wise County. 

You're wasting your money anywhere else. They are heads and shoulders above the competition.

Brown with dried Ancho and Guajillo peppers, yellow onion, sea salt and Slap Ya Mama!

Add 2 quarts of V8 (Brookshire's was cleaned out of Tomato juice), splash of ketchup (to balance the V8 flavor), cumin, clove of garlic, 2 Knorr habanero cubes (bless the day I found these things) and a bottle of  Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan ale. 40 minutes simmering then a taste test. Something was still missing so I opened a bottle of Ste. Genevieve Red and added a half cup. 

BOOM! Missing link found. Added 16 ounces of water and now the hard part, waiting...

There is no art without suffering.

 FYI for all you preppers out there, a cheap store brand paring knife can pinch hit for a scalpel. 

Bread twisties also make great impromptu finger tourniquets. We've got a pumper!

For you cooks out there, don't try to dice a large yellow onion with a cheap store brand paring knife.

Finished product.

Verdict: Dayum that's good stuff. Great flavor and a nice, slow, lingering burn. Not too spicy, but definitely not for amateurs. And just to be perfectly clear... NO BEANS!

Midterms

I decided to head out early and get my constitutionally guaranteed privilege done early. I have low hopes of any of my candidates winning office, but I get to express my opinion and have it recorded.

'Merica.

The weather was pleasantly wet as I drove the Farm to Market roads (out here they are from actual farms to actual markets) to the little back country church where I vote. Some things are just too good not to enjoy and this drive is one of them. The rain just made it better. I've voted at the church in Crafton ever since I moved from the old home place in the early 90's. It was only a mile down the road, but it changed all my voting precincts forever.

I guess I was daydreaming or running on autopilot as I walked in because a greeter caught me very off guard with "Oh, a Coastie, huh?" Cue the Ironside intro in my head. I immediately froze up because I wasn't expecting a conversation out of left field about my military service as I walked through the door to vote. I don't have a problem with my service, it just blindsided me and tumbled all the dominoes I had lined up for the next 60 seconds. It shouldn't have surprised me since I was wearing one of my ship's covers because I was voting. But I forgot at the moment and it freaked me.

I felt the panic attack wave building and tried to focus on the person talking to me. Really nice guy actually. He told me he worked with Fleet Training Group San Diego in the Navy and I went thru there every 2 years for training. I don't know why the question triggered the panic attack, but I fought hard to keep focused (and look somewhat normal) as I carried on the conversation. I know he must have thought I was behaving oddly as we discussed REFTRA in San Diego, motor whaleboats and such while I fidgeted and tried not to hyperventilate. I did get a joke off about always wanting one of their covers (FTG) but nobody would trade. It fell flat.

I probably sound like a nut trying to describe what it's like to have a panic attack to someone that's never had one, too. But they can be overwhelming and are always disorienting. It's freaky.

The guy never told me his name and I didn't recognise him which is pretty odd since I'm not exactly located in a metropolis. I need to take a Xanax next election so I can find out more about him. Hopefully he's still working there in 2 years so I can apologise for my behavior and explain. He just really caught me off guard and I didn't handle it well. At all.

It's not you... it's me.

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go...

I feel your gotta pee pain Mike. Once when I was a trucker, I was involved in a traffic accident on the San Bernadino freeway and had to wait for the CHP to show up. I mean really had to wait. When it reached the point of no return I ran between the cab and trailer on the passenger side and let nature take it's course.

When I turned around I was looking at Officer Poncherello eye to mirror sunglassed eye.

Fortunately he understood my dilemma and since I was an innocent victim in the accident he let me go and didn't cite me for uh... illegal 10-100. Thank God I didn't need to 10-200!

No means NO!

After former Longhorns QB Colt McCoy's big victory over Dallas everybody wanted an interview. Apparently ESPN Desportes, who exclusively broadcast the game in Spanish, don't get one.

Actually, it turns out no means 30 minutes later.

Aggy gonna aggy

I know Aggy are Godless heathens. But stop texting and put your freaking phone away during the National Anthem!

So. Much. Win.

Adult Swim scores again with their newest series Mike Tyson Mysteries. Instant cult classic.



Gold, Jerry. GOLD!

Remember, There's absolutely nothing to fear from Fukushima

Meanwhile, Dan Halen Industries has announced the grand opening of Squidbillies, a new chain of calamari fast food joints across Southern Georgia.

The Big Lebowski in 134* seconds

*Fucking

Nick Rose: International Man of Mystery

Besides the game winner, Nick nailed a 45yarder in the 3rd to break the tie 

and get a rather large monkey off his back.

SEC Movie of The Week: Swagcopter Down

The SEC Movie of The Week is brought to you by Burleson's pure wholesome Aggy Tears. 

"Those tender drips are sweeter than honey!"

Now our Feature Presentation

After watching Texas/OU and TCU/Baylor

Trevone Unchained

 Previously, on Saturday afternoon...

Trevone!

h/t:OU Sucks @ Shaggybevo

From the Absolutely 100% Can't Make This Stuff Up True Dept

Shocked medical staff in a clinic in the central Colombian town of Honda have discovered a potato growing inside a patient’s vagina, local media reported on Wednesday.

The bizarre phenomenon was discovered when doctors attended a 22-year-old woman complaining of abdominal pains this week.

The embarrassed young woman explained that she had been advised by her mother to insert a potato into her vagina as a means of avoiding unwanted pregnancy.

“My mom told me that if I didn’t want to get pregnant, I should put a potato up there, and I believed her.” the unnamed patient was quoted as saying by local news website HSB Noticias.

After leaving the potato in place for around 2 weeks she began to experience intense pain in her lower abdomen. The potato had germinated, and grown roots inside the lady’s private parts.

When the nurse went to examine the patient, she originally thought she had been the target of a practical joke, as she found roots emerging from the young woman´s vagina.

The offending root vegetable was removed without need for surgery, and there should be no lasting physical effects on the young woman.

Carolina Rojas, the attending nurse, pointed the finger of blame at the woman´s mother for giving her daughter such bad advice in terms of contraception methods available.

Link

I can't make that stuff up. However I can make this stuff up. Alternate titles that were not used and are totally non judgemental or offensive:

Birth Control by Whore-Ida.

Fertile Myrtle

The Dictater

If it fails do we get tater tots?

One potato, two potato, three potato, whore...

Mr Potato Head's Great Adventure

Scattered, Smothered and Covered

and finally... You want fries with that?

Chicago Fire

Apparently some nut job contract employee (A) attempted to commit suicide and, in the process, (B) tried to burn down the Chicago FAA control center. Failed on A, success on B. You see the results above.

Appropriate images that I decided not to use:

This one is actually my favorite but I figured it was too obscure even for the finely honed mind of you, the faithful South 40 reader. It's the original logo for the (wait for it) Chicago Fire football team of the World Football League. It's my favorite because it incorporates the Dickerrod in the design.

 Dickerrod? I don't even know her!

It was so bad (picture of a helmet on a helmet) the team abandoned the logo and just went with the flames.

Funnies from Tech v OSU

Tech's horribad special uni's for the game:

And Coach Bro's reaction to them

New Caddy

I actually saw this car being tested back in early May. Turns out it was the new Cadillac LTS. At the time I wondered if it was some sort of prototype or a new body bra system people in Colorado used to protect their paint. Both made sense to me. But it was heading in the opposite direction on Hwy 6 and I was more interested in catching rainbow trout. As I recall on that day I would have been more successful trying to catch the new Caddy.

Read more about it (the car, not my failed fishing trip) over at Jalopnik.

Fast Times in Wichita Falls

From KFDX

A fired employee of the Jack in the Box on Lawrence Road is accused of going on a rampage and destroying thousands of dollars of equipment and food inside the business after being told he was losing his job.

Keitrael Collins, 22, is charged with criminal mischief over $1,500 dollars. His bond was set at $7,500 dollars and he is no longer in Wichita County Jail.

According to the affidavit, police were called to the restaurant about a fight. When he arrived, the officer says he found Collins in front of the manager's door that was locked and broken equipment and food all over the floor. The manager said he locked himself in and called police because Keitrael was trying to assault him. He told the officer Collins had thrown a toaster valued at $2,000 and register valued at $3,000 and food on the floor.

The officer says Collins told him he began throwing the items after being told he was fired.

Rumor is it had something to do with a breakfast refund.

Why I've stayed single

Seriously Ladies, you need to get a grip.

Latest NFL Meme

Finish him!

Well played, but kinda hard to envision Cleveland as Cobra Kai.

Meanwhile, up in the owner & GM's suite

h/t The Unticket

So, where do terrorists gas up?

Jihad-ee's

We're under attack!

You hear about hacking and internet attacks, but have you ever watched it in real time? You can at NORSE IPViking. This is fascinating stuff to watch. All I can say is I hope they put a solid firewall around Cheyenne Mountain.

I'm definitely changing my passwords.

Rick Perry Mugshot Revealed