Classic Christmas

Talk about a great idea! I caught their Thanksgiving Day episode marathon and it was awesome. They are running a Christmas episode marathon today, too. So far today I watched Christmas at the Shady Rest on Petticoat Junction, Christmas in Mayberry on Andy Griffith and Christmas in Korea on M*A*S*H.

Now they will be running a different one every night at 9. That's 21.2 for you locals.

Umm... Santa?

Channeling my inner Peter Griffin

So my washer and dryer are in the hall by my back door. For some reason I left the dryer door (which opens vertically) open after unloading it. So when I run to get my phone out of the car last night and skipped turning on the Laundry Room light because it's only like 3 steps and I have the path memorized, plus the motion light was going to kick on as soon as I opened the door to the garage. I got this shit covered... when this happened.

Shin bone meet dryer door.

Is this rocket science? Because I don't think it's rocket science.

I went to the local VA clinic today for blood work. They've installed a new touchscreen check-in kiosk that everyone has to use to check in. As I stood there watching everyone hacking and coughing (politely covering their mouth) then using the streaked up touchscreen, it dawns on me this might not be the most sanitary surface on the planet. At least Brookshire's puts hand wipes next to the shopping carts and they're assuming most of their customers aren't sick.

When I'm called in the nurse is chatting with me and I bring up the idea of putting hand sanitizer next to the kiosk. She tells me there is a hand cleaning station next to the front door. The check in kiosk is not by the front door, it's on the opposite end of the room. People are not going to run across the room to clean their hands after touching it, especially old people that don't get around well (there's tons of old people at the VA). I mention this to her.

Nurse: There is a hand cleaning station by the front door.

Me: But there should be one next to the touchscreen.

Her: It's by the front door. (Blank stare.)

I shut up before I piss her off any more as she's about to go poking around my veins with a needle and I'm really not into that even when I haven't pissed off the person with the needle. On my way out I stop to use the hand sanitizer by the front door (way too late because if there was anything on the screen I've got it good by now) and it won't work because the battery is dead.

This is definitely a government operation.

Reinventing the $5 Bill

Sorry Burger King. Your ad campaign has been trumped. 

That's what you get for going Canadian.

Pay your taxes, hosers!

Dear Senator Ted Cruz

 The Oatmeal has a message for you about your tweets on Net Neutrality:

Funny and spot on!

The South 40 Crossfit Workout

The little utilized and highly underrated reverse rabbit hop and slide technique.

That's a big Negative there Ghostrider

No, nope, pass, ain't happening.

Andy & Barney were lawmen. This guy is not.

Asked if he would have handled the matter the same way again, Deputy Glans said he would, but not if he knew it was being filmed. He acknowledged that he did not know the incident was being videotaped.

Just another bully with a badge. Sgt. Shawn R. Glans, 48, who has been a police officer for 27 years, was suspended without pay pending an internal investigation. Glans is also responsible for a 1999 head-on collision driving close to three times the posted speed limit around a sharp curve when he lost control of his vehicle. Glans crossed into the oncoming lane and smashed head-on into Douglas McEachron's car.

McEachron suffered critical brain injuries and was paralyzed. A federal jury found Glans was negligent in the crash. McEachron received a $6M settlement.

Pass the saltines, please!

It's that time again boys and girls. Fall has fell. We've had a Norther and it hit freezing. OK, it was a few days ago and I'm way behind. But I make up for my tardiness with quality.

Start with premium (not too) lean chili meat from Mas Meats. 

For those unaware, Mas Meats is THE ONLY place to buy meat in Wise County. 

You're wasting your money anywhere else. They are heads and shoulders above the competition.

Brown with dried Ancho and Guajillo peppers, yellow onion, sea salt and Slap Ya Mama!

Add 2 quarts of V8 (Brookshire's was cleaned out of Tomato juice), splash of ketchup (to balance the V8 flavor), cumin, clove of garlic, 2 Knorr habanero cubes (bless the day I found these things) and a bottle of  Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan ale. 40 minutes simmering then a taste test. Something was still missing so I opened a bottle of Ste. Genevieve Red and added a half cup. 

BOOM! Missing link found. Added 16 ounces of water and now the hard part, waiting...

There is no art without suffering.

 FYI for all you preppers out there, a cheap store brand paring knife can pinch hit for a scalpel. 

Bread twisties also make great impromptu finger tourniquets. We've got a pumper!

For you cooks out there, don't try to dice a large yellow onion with a cheap store brand paring knife.

Finished product.

Verdict: Dayum that's good stuff. Great flavor and a nice, slow, lingering burn. Not too spicy, but definitely not for amateurs. And just to be perfectly clear... NO BEANS!

Midterms

I decided to head out early and get my constitutionally guaranteed privilege done early. I have low hopes of any of my candidates winning office, but I get to express my opinion and have it recorded.

'Merica.

The weather was pleasantly wet as I drove the Farm to Market roads (out here they are from actual farms to actual markets) to the little back country church where I vote. Some things are just too good not to enjoy and this drive is one of them. The rain just made it better. I've voted at the church in Crafton ever since I moved from the old home place in the early 90's. It was only a mile down the road, but it changed all my voting precincts forever.

I guess I was daydreaming or running on autopilot as I walked in because a greeter caught me very off guard with "Oh, a Coastie, huh?" Cue the Ironside intro in my head. I immediately froze up because I wasn't expecting a conversation out of left field about my military service as I walked through the door to vote. I don't have a problem with my service, it just blindsided me and tumbled all the dominoes I had lined up for the next 60 seconds. It shouldn't have surprised me since I was wearing one of my ship's covers because I was voting. But I forgot at the moment and it freaked me.

I felt the panic attack wave building and tried to focus on the person talking to me. Really nice guy actually. He told me he worked with Fleet Training Group San Diego in the Navy and I went thru there every 2 years for training. I don't know why the question triggered the panic attack, but I fought hard to keep focused (and look somewhat normal) as I carried on the conversation. I know he must have thought I was behaving oddly as we discussed REFTRA in San Diego, motor whaleboats and such while I fidgeted and tried not to hyperventilate. I did get a joke off about always wanting one of their covers (FTG) but nobody would trade. It fell flat.

I probably sound like a nut trying to describe what it's like to have a panic attack to someone that's never had one, too. But they can be overwhelming and are always disorienting. It's freaky.

The guy never told me his name and I didn't recognise him which is pretty odd since I'm not exactly located in a metropolis. I need to take a Xanax next election so I can find out more about him. Hopefully he's still working there in 2 years so I can apologise for my behavior and explain. He just really caught me off guard and I didn't handle it well. At all.

It's not you... it's me.

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go...

I feel your gotta pee pain Mike. Once when I was a trucker, I was involved in a traffic accident on the San Bernadino freeway and had to wait for the CHP to show up. I mean really had to wait. When it reached the point of no return I ran between the cab and trailer on the passenger side and let nature take it's course.

When I turned around I was looking at Officer Poncherello eye to mirror sunglassed eye.

Fortunately he understood my dilemma and since I was an innocent victim in the accident he let me go and didn't cite me for uh... illegal 10-100. Thank God I didn't need to 10-200!